Entry #1 — 05/02/18
Back in therapy Doctor Schulz told me that whenever I had strange thoughts, I should write them down. That’s the reason I started this journal.
I am not sure what it is, but in these past weeks, I had the feeling that strange things were going on. I think people are watching me.
I live in a massive apartment building. The flats are small but affordable. There is one problem: The missing solitude, peace and especially privacy.
Knowing that dozens or even hundreds of people live in the same building is a suffocating thought. It had been bothering me ever since I moved in.
The apartment building is part of an extensive residential area. There is nothing but rows and rows of similar buildings next to each other. They are only divided by small recreational areas nested between them.
The closeness of the buildings makes living here a bit awkward. When I first moved I had no blinds or curtains. I felt a bit naked, to be honest. Anyone from the adjacent building was able to watch me. I knew it was irrational. It wasn’t like I was particularly interesting or attractive.
Once I got my blinds, they were almost perpetually closed. They were a godsend.
I got to admit though, at times it was tempting to go outside and risk a peek at other people. You could catch a couple during an argument or someone acting weird. At one time I even saw someone watching porn with the blinds open.
Unfortunately, it goes both ways. If I was able to watch other people, they could watch me too.
In the colder month that was fine.
Once it got warmer though, more and more people spent time on their balconies. It makes it awkward to do the same. I hate people watching me, always did. Like I’d done last year, I kept the blinds closed.
This year too I felt watched. I couldn’t explain it, but it made my skin crawl. It was like the feeling you get when someone’s eyes focus on you. It was ridiculous. I had the blinds closed. No one could look inside.
As always it was just my imagination. My brain was acting up again and playing tricks on me. God knows it likes to do those things.
Over time I couldn’t deny it anymore though. I wasn’t sure if it was only on mind.
A couple weeks ago I was proven right. A man over in the other building looked straight at me.
I pushed it off as a coincidence, a trick of the moment. Every time I looked over though, I saw the same guy.
At first, I thought I was paranoid, stupid even. Who knows, the guy might sit outside all day, enjoying the nice weather.
Every time I went to the blinds though there was this feeling of apprehension. What if he was is there again? I told my brain to drop it. Ignore it, and all is well.
It didn’t matter. Whenever I looked, he was there.
Today it wasn’t just him. On a different balcony, I saw a woman staring at me as well. As I gazed over the building, I found other people too. They were all doing the same thing: Watching me.
The weirdest part is that they didn’t stop. They didn’t just look once or twice and go back to their business, no they continue to watch.
I felt myself freaking out, so I started to write this down. It always helped me to clear my head and to keep calm.
What I can say is that this is too weird. I am sitting here, sweaty all of a sudden. Maybe they all weren’t looking at me?
Entry #2 — 05/06/18
I am sure that I do not imagine things. When I look, those people stop right in their tracks and start watching me. Every single time they are there. Hell, as I said, their eyes are glued on me.
Entry #3 — 05/08/18
I’m catching myself looking out more and more often. I am telling myself it is all in my head and the next time I look out there is no one there anymore.
The problem is, every time I am confronted with this weird reality. More and more people seem to join in every single day. First, it was only two or three, but now it’s dozens. There is no way this is a coincidence.
Entry #4 — 05/10/18
Today I dusted off the old binoculars. It was time to give those people a bit of a closer look. It felt a little wrong to use them like this. I had got them for something different, but oh well.
How do they even see me? I am hiding behind the blinds and only ever look for a moment. Still, they notice me in an instant.
Entry #5 — 05/11/18
Are they all talking to each other? Did they all get together and chose me as a target to fuck with? Do they know I don’t like to be watched? Is that why they are doing it?
Entry #6 — 05/15/18
Enough is enough. I am done with this shit. For the past weeks, I spent my free time thinking about this and staring at people. Staring at people who just stare back at me! It is not only weird but stupid, really fucking stupid.
If I stop to give them attention, I am sure they’ll stop looking.
Entry #7 — 05/19/18 — 11:22am
I ignored them for days.
Yesterday I even went out with Tom and a few other friends. We went to a party, had a few beers and hang out together. It was a pretty nice evening. First time in a long while I had fun.
This morning I ruined things. Hungover as I was I prepared myself some coffee. Then, without thinking, decided to air this musty place out a bit.
As soon as the blinds were up, I felt their glances on my body. It gave me quite the scare to see all those people looking at me. I took a step back in shock, and after a few seconds, I closed the blinds again.
A few minutes later I peeked outside once more, trying not to move the blinds at all. They are still there, even now, an hour later.
Entry #8 — 05/19/18 — 2:33pm
The more I keep watching them, the more I think this all a set-up. It could be a social-experiment or a reality show.
There is no other way you can explain what is happening. The people who are watching must be following cues and instructions.
Whoever is behind this might have cameras installed to monitor my reaction. Are they recording me right now as I type this out?
Or is it a dumb prank? Is someone trying to freak me out? Could it be Alex? But how’d he get all those people to join in with him?
Entry #9 — 05/19/18 — 7:14pm
I’ve been racking my brain all day. Are they trying to get a reaction from me? Do they want me to watch them? Are they trying to provoke me? Is that what why they are keeping me under this sort of surveillance?
Well then, assholes, I am provoked!
I am going to go out there, and I am going to sit right there watching you. Let’s see how you react to this! Do you like to see me check you out with those binoculars? Oh, I hope you do!
Entry #10 — 05/19/18 — 10:52pm
Well, that grand plan of mine did absolutely nothing. Everything was the same. They kept it up for hours!
I don’t know how they are able to do this. I don’t think they moved at all. They are standing completely still. This is ridiculous.
They are still standing outside. It is dark by now. They shouldn’t even be able to see me anymore. Not outside on the balcony and not in here. Why haven’t they moved yet?
Entry #11 — 05/10/18 — 1:17am
This has turned from ridiculous to scary. Even when I look out now, I can vaguely make out their silhouettes in the dark. They must all still be on their balconies. I’ve checked every couple of minutes, but nothing changes.
This is the first time since this started that I am seriously freaked out. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. I am going to bed now. I made sure every door and every window is closed.
Entry #12 — 05/20/18 — 7:47am
I almost couldn’t sleep last night. Even in bed I felt watched. It is stupid, yet I still felt their eyes resting on me. All night I imagined them looking over at my window.
Deep inside I knew that as soon as I went to bed, they all went inside. I imagined them congratulating each other, shaking hands and laughing about how well they’d played me.
The worst part was the nightmare that followed. I dreamed that I stood in the middle of a vast square. An endless number of people surrounded me. They were all staring at me. No one said a word. Then they all started to close in on me.
I woke up screaming. That was enough sleep I told myself and got up. It was morning anyways.
The first thing before I typed this out was to look out again. Of course, they a all there already. How could it have been any different? I wasn’t even surprised!
Entry #13 — 05/20/18 — 11:26am
I talked to my neighbor. That damned grumpy old geezer.
I had to ring a few times before he opened the door. I heard no footsteps or any other noises. That’s how I knew he’d been standing behind the door all this time, watching me through the spyglass.
When I didn’t leave, he had no other choice but to open.
I asked him if he’d seen or noticed anything strange going on outside in the building opposite ours.
He stared at me for a few seconds, shook his head and mumbled something to himself, before closing the door again. Yeah right, fuck you too.
After he’d closed the door, I felt his eyes watching me through the spyglass. Once I was inside, I wondered if he was part of it too. It wouldn’t be too farfetched. It fit his character perfectly. I saw it in my mind now: Him standing behind his door all day, keeping a lookout for me and giving them information.
That must be how they know if I am home or not. He is giving them information!
Entry #14 — 05/20/18 — 2:54pm
I’d been fuming ever since I got back from my neighbor.
Was this whole fucking area involved?
This was starting to get to me. I had to talk to someone. I had to show them what was going on here.
I tried recording from inside or from my balcony, but you can’t see enough. I have to go outside. I am going to record the insanity that is going on here.
Once I have it on video, I can show everyone. Hell, I can post it on YouTube. Then I’ve got them!
Entry #15 — 05/20/18 — 6:37pm
Not good. Not a good idea at all!
I stormed outside, alright. The first thing I saw was the parents near the playground staring at me. As I walked, they kept track of me, whispering to one another.
I ignored them until I saw their faces. They were grimacing, some even pointing at me.
So, of course, I started filming them. I ignored when someone yelled at me. There is a good chance they are involved in this whole thing too!
Still filming I made my way to the building. I went right for an old man who’d been staring at me ever since this morning. I yelled at him and asked him why he was doing it. As expected I got no answer. No movement either. I yelled at him once more, then I went to the next person, an older lady, and filmed her.
It wasn’t long before some sweaty, fat fuck in a muscle shirt came over to me. He asked me in a harsh voice what I thought I was doing. I couldn’t film people without their permission, especially the kids at the playground.
I said nothing and kept at it. Fuck that dude, I thought.
To make a long story short, he grabbed my phone, got angry and told me to get the hell out of here, or he’d call the cops. At first, I wanted to argue, but a crowd had already formed.
All that attention made me uneasy as hell. I stammered that if he returned the phone, I’d get out of there.
When he finally did I almost ran back. The fat fuck dared to yell after me and call me a nutjob. Yeah right, I was the crazy one here! Not all of them! I could even hear them whisper all around me.
“That’s him right?”
“Isn’t that the guy?”
I saw how they looked at me. When I called them out, I only got stares back. I knew they were hiding their smiles and laughter. At this moment I knew that everyone out there was involved. I knew they were planning their next step while I was standing right between them.
Once back inside I suffered from a severe panic attack. It was the first one in a long while. I couldn’t do anything than to lay on my bed, breathe slowly and try to calm down. Once it was finally over, I typed this out.
Entry #16 — 05/20/18 — 7:11pm
Tried to send the video to my friends, but that fat guy must have deleted it when he got a hold of my phone. Fucking hell!
Entry #17 — 05/24/18 — 6:06am
Didn’t do much for three days. Got up, went to work in the morning and spent the evening playing games. I was tempted to look outside, but I could resist.
At least until now. I looked, and they were all back at it. Why are there so many people on their balcony at a time like this?
What the hell are they doing!? Don’t they have to go to work? If not why aren’t they asleep? How can they all do this at six in the freaking morning?
Entry 18 — 05/24/18 — 5:13pm
No change. They are all still there, still looking over here. I can’t tell for sure, but I think they didn’t move at all.
I don’t care anymore. I opened the blinds, took out my binoculars and checked them out in detail. There had to be something. There had to be one single detail that showed me it was all a trick or a farce.
They are completely still. Some looked a bit different though. Angrier than the rest and as if they were frozen in motion.
Out of nowhere the dream I had a few days ago came back to me. Are they frozen in forward motion? Looking once more showed me they were indeed. Does that mean they are coming for me? Is that why they are in these strange positions?
After only a few minutes I put the binoculars away and closed the blinds. I am not going to think about this.
I have to let this go. I have to let this go. I have to let this go.
I will let it go.
Entry #19 — 05/29/18
I did well. I did let it go. I am going to wait till summer is over if I have to. I am not going to get near those blinds, the windows or the balcony.
I even hang out in the city two days ago. It wasn’t too nice with people all around me, but better than sitting here, being watched all day.
Entry #20 — 06/02/18 — 2:11pm
I am all alone. There is no help. The police are involved too. Fuck them! Fuck the police! How can they take part in some shit like that!?
But they really are all working together. They are all out for me. What the hell do they want!? Why are they all playing me! What the fuck can I do? I am so freaking confused.
Entry #21 — 06/02/18 — 4:07pm
I had to calm down. I was too angry to write down what happened.
The day started off normal. I played some games and minded my own business.
At one point I realized though that the only thing I heard was the low humming of my computer.
It was Saturday. It was summer. The weather was great. I realized the sounds from the playground were missing. I should’ve heard kids playing and yelling.
I told myself to let it go. I’d been doing well to do so. The more I said those words, the less they worked. Curiosity and fear drove me forward, but I couldn’t see the playground from the window.
From the balcony I could see it. Everyone near the playground was frozen, looking towards me. All eyes, those of the parents as well as the kids, were focused on me.
I had ignored this thing for almost a week, but they got me again. They got me to look yet again. They had to keep pushing me, didn’t they?
At that moment I said fuck it and called the police. I should have done so much earlier. I told them people were spying on me, they were acting strange, and I was scared.
When they arrived, I told them the whole story and led them straight to the playground.
Well, what do you know? Everything was back to normal! Kids were playing, and adults were chatting.
Oh, how surprised they all acted when they saw me with the police. I thought I’d got them now. I told the officers what had been going on before.
The officers went over to talk with the group. I could see one woman gesticulating heavily into my direction. I had smiled, thinking the officer had got her. Turned out I was wrong. Big surprise. The officers came back to me and asked me which apartment was mine. I pointed at it.
Of course, they asked about the blinds. What the hell did it matter? I told them it was for protection, so people couldn’t watch me. Then they dared to ask me if I often watched people. Well, what do you expect? Yes, I do! I had to find out if they were watching me! I had to check on them! Freaking police.
Well, they didn’t take that too well. They asked me about the time I’d been filming people. That bitch must have told them. She must have lied about me! I tried to tell them it was to prove the situation around here. I wanted to have evidence of the weird things happening. They cut me off.
Instead of listening, they told me that people had complained about me. I was the one who was watching people they said! Me! They said I watched them all day from my balcony! That’s absolute fucking bullshit! I am not watching anyone! I tried to explain again, but once more I wasn’t allowed to talk.
They told me to shut it. I had called them the help me, and they told me to shut up! That wasn’t enough. They told me to get a grip and go to a fucking psychiatrist! Yeah right, I go straight back to Doctor Schulz tomorrow. I’ll say to him ‘Hey doc, I am back, the police told me I should talk to you!’ I didn’t have those problems anymore! He said so himself!
They were full of shit! I didn’t even listen anymore. I let them talk, but I watched the playground. I saw them. I saw them look at me. They were talking about me. Telling each other to get back into position soon.
One of the officers snapped a finger in front of me. In the end, they told me to keep quiet, not to film anyone and that disturbance of peace and privacy was a serious crime.
Yeah, that is a crime, right? They are all doing it! But that’s of course not what those two assholes cared about!
Once they had left, I went back inside.
That’s where I am now. For an hour I was so mad, I couldn’t stop pacing around. Even the freaking police won’t help me.
But that wasn’t it. That wasn’t why I was so mad. It was their faces. I noticed it. The little smile when I told them my story. They were part of it too. I figured it out just now. Hah!
That’s why they didn’t help me. The police are involved as well! I don’t know why I didn’t notice it back outside.
Or wait, maybe those weren’t even real policemen. Hell, they could be two guys that lived in the building over there. Put on a uniform, play the part and fuck with me a bit more!
I looked outside as soon as I’d come back inside. Yep, there they were again. It was exactly as I’d thought.
They are all smiling now. It’s because they know they got me again. I am watching them again, and that’s what they wanted, right? I am playing your stupid game once more.
Entry #22 — 06/02/18 — 10:21pm
I remembered the dream once again. I had once read that dreams can be premonitions. In the dream, all the people that watched me came closer towards me.
Guess what I noticed? They are getting closer. It is slow and barely visible. It is so I don’t notice it, but I did now! It is only a step or two at a time, but they are definitely inching closer. I can see some that are already leaning over their balcony railing.
The ones outside too. Even from my windows I can now see the playground group. But when I look, they don’t move.
Why are they doing this? Is it to play with me? To freak me out? To drive me insane? Or is it, so I keep watching? I don’t freaking now.
Entry #23 — 06/03/18 — 1:42am
Tried to sleep, but I can’t. I got up again, and there are still dark silhouettes outside. They are still at the playground. I can’t see them clearly, but I know they are there. They know I didn’t sleep.
I tried recording them once again, but my phone isn’t working right. Whenever I take a picture or record a video, it is nothing but darkness. They don’t show up at all! Did that fat guy break it? Fuck!
This is so absurd. So completely ridiculous. It is almost two in the fucking morning, and those people are still outside. With their freaking kids! I wanted to open the window or the balcony door and scream at them to give it a rest, but they’d like that wouldn’t they?
Entry #24 — 05/04/18 — 6:41am
oh god oh god oh god ohgd ohgd ohgd ohgod oh god oh god oh god ohgdo oh god ohg od oh god oh ogdo no no no no no no I can’t
Entry #25 — 06/04/18 — 8:34am
Okay, I am calm now. I am calm now. No one can hurt me.
I tried something. Spoiler: it was freaking stupid, and my phone is gone!
I had the grand idea to try to film people once more. It was not even seven, barely six and the playground was full of people. I went out with my phone my in hand and started to take pictures.
I leaned forward to get a full view and started filming. At that moment I noticed something out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to see what it was. I saw that everyone on that whole side of the apartment building was leaning forward like me, staring at me. They all looked straight at me, right into my eyes. Their expression was angered, their eyes wide. They seemed to almost lean towards me as if they’d come for me at any second. It freaked me out more than anything in my entire life. I screamed, stumbled backward and sent my phone flying.
I ran back inside.
After an hour I went back outside to look for my phone. It wasn’t fucking there. It must have landed somewhere else. Goddamnit!
I peeked outside once more and prayed that I had imagined things. I had not. Everyone was still there. Not only to the left but also to the right. I saw my neighbor, his face twisted into a visage of cruel mockery, Even from above the people were staring at me.
I am laughing as I type this out. None of this makes any sense. It is surreal. Did I slip into freaking bizarro world?
I don’t freaking know anymore!
Entry #26 — 06/04/18 — 1:22pm
Completely forgot work. I only remembered it now.
I sent an email to my boss, saying I was sick. Don’t even care what he thinks.
Entry # — 27 06/04/18 — 5:44pm
I am trapped. I am freaking trapped now.
I should have left this place while I still could. After what I saw this morning, I told myself I should get away. Something bizarre and very, very, wrong was going on here. Hell, it had been going on for weeks now!
As soon as I opened my door, I saw that the whole hallway was filled with people, dozens of them!
I yelled out in surprise, expecting them to jump me. Instead, they were all frozen in place, all staring at me. Watching me and waiting for what I was going to do.
I wanted to run. I really wanted to. I wanted to get out then and there. I took only one step forward, and I saw they were all smiling.
I saw that they were leaning forward towards me as if they were expecting me to try. They were taunting me to try it. Their arms were outstretched, their hands open in anticipation. I knew they’d grab me as soon as I tried. They wanted me to try running. They weren’t just watching me I realized, they were preying on me.
That’s when I threw the door shut and locked it. I ran to the living room, expecting to hear them push against the door. I thought they’d knock against it or try to pry it open.
Instead, there was only silence. Everything stayed quiet.
Why the hell aren’t they doing anything? I screamed at the door why they didn’t come and take me. Nothing again.
After that, I sent Tom a Facebook message. I knew he’d be worried, but I needed help. I told him how scared I was, that something strange was going on here and that I didn’t know what to do. I am waiting for his reply now, but so far he hasn’t read my message.
Entry #28 — 06/04/18 — 8:25pm
Tom still hasn’t read my message.
I checked through the blinds earlier. They are all getting closer. The people from the other building are now outside. Hundreds, maybe even thousands of people are filling the small recreational area. They all look over here. None of them are moving when I watch. That’s why I don’t dare to stop. I look outside all the time now, I have to. I can’t risk them getting any closer! I can’t risk for them to get here. To get me!
Entry #29 — 06/05/18 — 4:46am
I didn’t sleep yet. No answer from Tom.
An idea came to me. Are they watching me to see if I am watching them? Are they trying to sneak up on me? To come here and get me when I am not watching?
So that means they watch me to see if I am watching so they know if I am watching and if I don’t they can come closer? Is that why they are watching so intently?
The more I think about it, the more sense it makes. There can’t be any other reason. There never was. I started to laugh so much when I finally understood it. I had to type this out. They are all watching me to see if I am watching them.
It is so so simple! I am still laughing, even now. How stupid I was to not see it earlier.
I have to go back to watch now! I have to be serious again!
Entry #30 — 06/05/18 — 8:12am
What is insanity?
Things don’t make any sense anymooooore.
Nothing does at all at all at all at all!
I must have passed out at one point and woke up not long ago. I jerked up because I haven’t been watching.
I saw no, I see, something impossible. There are dozens of heads looking over from the sides of the balcony.
Wait no, it must be more. It’s hundreds! They are all peeking over the sides, all atop one another and are all looking straight at me as I am typing away. tak tak tak
That’s not the worst though. What is really so stupid, so goddamn stupid stupid stupid is the ones who look down from the top. From the freaking top!
They are upside down and are looking at me. It shouldn’t be possible. If they tried that they’d fall down and crash to the ground. Yet I see them. It is absolutely im-fucking-possible.
Are you telling me they are all using rope? Hundreds of people are dangling down like in Mission Impossible to look into my apartment? It is so stupidly stupid I am laughing again. I am going to actually put on the Mission Impossible theme later on. In my mind I see hundreds upon hundreds of ropes dangling down towards my balcony.
This is all impossible. None of this makes any sense. Reality itself has turned to nonsense. This is not bizarro world, this is nonsense world.
Entry 31 — 06/05/18 — 1:01pm
It’s not fucking real, is it?
Do I imagine all of this? Was none of it real to begin with? Is there no one out there at all? Maybe it’s all just in my head?
If I go outside is it all over? Are they all gone? Should I do it?
What if it is real though? What they aren’t human? Could I be the only human left in this building? Is that why they are all focusing on me? No one else is real, and I am the only real one left?
Hah, me the only REAL one left, that’d be great. Just me.
I don’t know.
I don’t know don’t know doN’tk no don’t know don’t fucking know don’know don’t
Entry #32 — 06/05/18 — 11:04pm
I’ve barricaded the place.
There are so many of them now, I can’t watch them all.
Whenever I fall asleep or doze off, they are closer. I never see them move, but they wait till I can’t watch anymore.
Their hands are reaching out for me. They are climbing onto the balcony already.
And they are still watching me.
Ok, did I miss anything? The windows are covered up. Check! The balcony door is blocked off too. Check! The front door and the whole entry area is sealed. Check!
I still have enough food for a week or two!
Entry #33 — 06/06/18 — 9:22am
I slept again.
The doorbell woke me. I know they are in front of the door. I am listening. I can hear you. I know you want me to go and open the door.
You can try to lure me out all you want, I won’t come. I am not an idiot. I won’t open the door. I am not falling for any of your silly tricks. Not me.
Entry #34 — 06/06/18 — 10:11am
The balcony is overflowing with people.
There is a tiny spot from which I can still watch them. It is because I have to always watch them.
There are no sounds. They don’t make any sounds. At times I think the sound is all but gone. The only sound is the doorbell. It is a trick.
Entry #35 — 06/10/18 — 4:53pm
There are hundreds of them on the balcony now. They are all smiling. Is it in anticipation?
There are so many. How do they all fit on the balcony? I am laughing again as I watch them. There are too many people out there. It is impossible for hundreds upon hundreds of people to be on my tiny balcony, yet they are all there. They are on top of each other, next to each other, filling up the balcony to the top. There are more of them outside. They are coming from all sides.
It’s as if they are pouring into the balcony. As if some giant is pushing more and more of them inside. It makes no sense.
Entry #36 — 06/11/18 — 6:17pm
I got a couple of messages from Tom. He tells me that everything is alright. He talked about how I am having another one of my episodes. I should come outside. Doctor Schulz is with him, and they can help me.
I knew he was with them. Ever since the start. I knew it. He always was. Even back in the day. Him and Schulz, two parts of an evil whole.
Now they are ringing again and again and again and again. Over and over and over again.
Are they going to get in soon? What if they break down the door? What if they pour in from the balcony? Nothing to do but to wait.
Oh and wait I will. Do and come for me. I am prepared. I got every knife, every tool, and every other sharp or blunt object. Come in if you want. Come and try to get me. I won’t let you.
I am going to fight and fight and kill and fight and kill
There are noises outside again!