I have always been a bit of a weirdo, even as a kid. It was the macabre and the disturbing that fascinated me. I grew up reading about serial killers and watching violent movies.
When I hit puberty, I found an entirely new set of interests. Sure, I was as horny as any other teenage boy, but once more I was drawn to weirder fetishes. What I liked was BDSM, bondage, chocking, and even fake rape scenarios. There was something exciting about these things. Before long I was always looking for weirder and more disturbing things.
Yet, I set myself some boundaries pretty quickly. I told myself to stay clear of the extreme stuff. No real rape, no torture, no gore. It was a self-imposed line I didn’t dare cross.
It wasn’t too hard to satisfy my needs though, even without relying on the above things. There was more than enough material out for any fetish or kink.
As I said, I was always a weirdo, but I guess the internet made me into one sick fuck. You couldn’t imagine half the shit I’ve got stored on my hard disk.
Most people have no idea what sorts of things you can find out there. Many people might think that fake rape and violent gang-bang are as bad as things get in the porn business. Believe me, there’s much worse shit out there. Let me give you one word: amputee porn.
I guess you can imagine what sort of things I search for on the internet on a daily basis. You’ve got no idea how many Trojans, viruses, and other malware I’ve gotten my computer infected with over the years. It’s bound to happen if you explore some lesser-known corners of the internet and I’m right at home there.
Again, none of the stuff I’d collected crossed the line. No real rape, no torture, no gore, everything else was fair game.
I’ve been on the internet since the nineties. When I started to explore the worldwide Web, I was looking for controversial or shocking content. If you’ve heard about rotten.com, you can imagine what other places I frequented. I’ve seen pretty much all the so-called ‘shock sites’ out there and none of those faze me anymore.
I guess this weird attraction of mine started with nothing but morbid curiosity. You find something that’s fucked up, you feel sick, you close your browser, and that’s it. But then, a day later, there’s this nagging feeling in the back of your mind. Was it really that bad? Did it look that terrible? And then you come back for more.
At first, I only did it to shock myself or my friends. Soon enough though, it wasn’t shock or disgust anymore. No, it fascinated me. Before long though, a different feeling crawled into my mind and clawed at my brain: arousal.
And so it changed from an interest to a fetish.
Over the years the internet has changed a lot. Nowadays there’s much more content on the internet. However, the truly horrendous stuff is also much better hidden. You don’t stumble upon it on Facebook, Twitter, or a random forum. No, nowadays you have to put in some actual work to discover those hidden little corners.
Sure, there are some secret subreddits, but those are never around for too long. Forums aren’t worth it either. They often charge you with a subscription or a VIP membership and all you get are some old shock videos.
There are sites like eFukt.com where you can find the occasional hidden gem, but again, it takes a lot of time.
Needless to say, I’d gotten bored. Whenever people were talking about some new shock video, I’d most likely seen it already, a long time ago. Most modern shock sites are nothing but a means of monetizing old videos or trying to get them to go viral again.
I’d grown tired of all that shit.
Earlier this year I vented about my dilemma to a friend of mine from the better days. He told me I should give webcam sites a try. He sent a link to some hardcore BDSM site, and it held my interest for a while.
The best part was that you weren’t watching a video. No, here I could interact with the model and ask her to do the weird, fucked up things I had on my mind. Sure, it cost me a bit of money, but it was so worth it.
I’d always avoided webcam sites. They all seemed boring as hell. This stuff here though wasn’t too bad. Sure, it was vanilla, nothing but BDSM but it was enough to kill my boredom.
It wasn’t long before I talked to my friend again and asked him what other pages he frequented. He sent me a few of his favorites, but they were all too tame. I wanted something more, something weird and fucked up.
The images that came to my mind when I thought about the potential of webcam shows, got me hard. I’d finally found something worth looking into.
I explored the normal internet for a while, but I knew I’d not stumble upon the stuff I was looking for by accident. No, I most likely had to talk to the right people. And I knew where to find them.
Believe me, using IRC in this day and age can be a total bitch. I soon discovered that many of the old channels I used to frequent weren’t around anymore. Even worse, many of the regulars I’d been in contact with had all but vanished.
Again, I went on a wild goose chase. I visited channel after channel, hit up mods and admins, but the few people who replied all sent me normal webcam sites.
I groaned when I got yet another link to a model Chaturbate. Shit, that’s not what I’m looking for you retards!
Eventually though, after hours of searching, I guy I’d never talked to before hit me up. He said he’d seen me ask around and realized that I was looking for something more special. He’d exactly what I was looking for and sent me a text file.
I was skeptical at first. God knows this guy might be fucking with me and was sending me some sort of virus. Still, desperation won over all my worries and I downloaded it.
When none of my anti-virus programs got a hit, I opened the file. I prepared myself for my PC to go up in flames, but to my surprise the text file was genuine. It contained a list of instructions to find ‘the page’.
There was no information about what ‘the page’ was, but my interest was piqued.
The entire thing was cryptic and over-complicated. I was sent from one page to the next. Then I had to send emails to at least three different auto-responders. Finally, I had to download even more text documents with further instructions.
After a while, I wondered if it all was an elaborate troll that sent me on some never-ending treasure hunt.
Then I discovered a picture from one of the webcam shows on the page. I stared at with a mixture of wondrous bliss and disgust.
If this was a troll, then he’d know his shit. I’d been on the internet long enough to spot cheap Photoshop edits. This one here had either taken a lot of work or… it was genuine.
The picture showed a simple, almost rudimentary webcam show interface. It was nothing more than an enormous video box and a small chat next to it. The woman in the picture was on the floor. Where her legs should be were only stumps that ended above her knees. She was sitting spread-legged and was playing with herself. The hand she used was disfigured and had an almost claw-like shape. There was no hint of her having another hand or arm for that matter.
The longer I stared at the picture the harder I felt myself getting. This was it. This was what I’d been looking for!
I continued to follow the instructions with newfound vigor. With each new step, I got another picture and then finally a small video clip. The last instruction told me to send a few hundred dollars to a specified bitcoin wallet. For a while I sat there, unsure what to do before I cursed and sent the money. I was already cursing at myself for falling for a trick like that when a link appeared in my inbox.
I forced myself to hold back my excitement. It might still be an elaborate fake to send all sorts of malware my way. Then I took a deep breath and clicked the link. It was so worth the risk.
My face was sweaty with anticipation and I felt a tingling sensation in my fingertips as I waited for the page to load.
“Dammit, load already,” I screamed at my browser.
Finally, I was greeted with a poorly made website. There was no name, no banner, it only showed the different models online at the moment.
The names and especially the pictures would’ve made any normal, sane person nope the fuck out. To me, it was nothing short of exhilarating. This was my Promised Land. I’d finally found it.
It wasn’t long before I found the legless girl whose picture I’d seen before. I thought about entering her show, but then I decided to have a look around to see what else I could find.
The first thing that caught my interest was the picture of a Lolita girl. It was called ‘The Innocent’. Now, I’m not a pedophile, but there’s a certain delicacy to the adolescent and the corruption of something pure.
I couldn’t wait to see what she’d do in her show. Yet, when I connected to it, all I saw was a simple room and a dirty, stained bed. The girl was sitting in the corner behind the bed, crying and hugging herself. For a moment she looked at the camera, a pleading look on her face and I could see her red, teary eyes. She was shaking and seemed to be terrified. I continued watching, but nothing else happened. Maybe her ‘show’ was already over? Or hell, what if this act here was her show? Shit, I cursed at myself for wasting precious time.
Then I found one called ‘The Mermaid’. The picture showed a beautiful, young girl that smiled at the camera while biting her lower lip. It wasn’t her smile that intrigued me, it was her lower half. It looked like the tail of a mermaid, but it didn’t look like a costume, it looked like it was made from flesh.
I’d been fascinated with body dysmorphia and body modifications for a while now. One of my favorite movies of all time was Freaks and you’ve no idea what I’d give to see an actual real-life freak show. This here was probably the closest I’d ever get to that.
I entered her show in an instant.
What I saw was entirely different from the picture. The girl was sitting in the water basin from the picture, but the water was dirty and discolored. The girl herself seemed almost delirious. She wasn’t there at all, barely conscious and her glassy eyes stared at nothing in particular. What the hell was that shit? I hadn’t been looking for some girl that was sick, I was here to see her lower half! In that dark, disgusting water I couldn’t make out anything.
The three other people in the chat were as annoyed as I was. For a while, we all shared our annoyance at we saw before we resorted to using the report button at the bottom of the chat.
After a few minutes of sending one report after another, I heard the door being pushed open. I could hear someone cursing in a language I didn’t understand before a man entered the room.
He stepped up to the girl and put his hand against her forehead before he cursed to himself. Then he heaved the girl from the basin. For a moment I gasped in anticipation, ready to see her lower half.
What I got to see was far worse than anything I could’ve imagined. It looked almost as if she had legs, but were discolored and looked as if they were fused.
One of the other guys in chat complained that the camera was too damn far away, and he’d paid good money for this. He demanded to see every last detail of what was happening.
The guy spat on the ground before he got a hold of the webcam and moved it closer.
Now I could finally see what was wrong with her legs. They weren’t fused. No, they were sewn together with wires or strings to remodel the tail of a mermaid. Something must’ve gone wrong because the legs were swollen, bloated even. They had to be inflamed or infected, I thought when I saw the thick liquid that was leaking from them.
The guy touched them for a moment before he cut the wires. Right at this moment, the girl woke up from her trance-like state. She started screaming, flailing around, and was about to throw herself at the guy next to her. The only reaction she got from the man was a hit to the head with a blunt object I couldn’t identify. She started twitching and convulsing before she lay still again.
I could see the hint of a smile on the man’s face before he went back to her legs.
I was frozen in sheer shock and disgust. After the wires were cut, the man moved her legs apart from one another. Wet, rotten skin and flesh tore apart and enormous amounts of the greenish, yellow puss leaked out from huge sores between them.
At this moment I rushed from my desk to the bathroom and vomited. What the hell had I just watched? I’d seen a lot of shit, but this here was by far the worst!
When I’d finally calmed down and returned ‘The Mermaid’ was offline. For a moment I had a look at the other models that were still online. I saw the legless girl again, some humongous fat girl, a midget show and something resembling Siamese twins. Instead of clicking on any of them, I closed the page.
For a while I sat there, in my chair, still trying to fathom what I’d seen. Then another thought crawled into my mind. If they’d ‘made’ the mermaid by fusing her legs then had they created all those other models as well?
What kind of page had I found there? Were they kidnapping or buying those girls and mutilating them for… dear god? I’d been looking for sick shit, but not something like that! Holy shit!
I knew, for the first time, I’d voluntarily crossed the line.
After this experience, I took a break from the internet. I turned off my computer and went out for a lengthy walk to calm myself down and forget what I’d seen. Yet, I couldn’t shake off the image of those bloated, half-rotten legs and the puss leaking from them.
As I said before, it’s only a matter of time before shock and disgust transform into something different.
It was only days later that I opened up that last email again and clicked the link once more. This time though, I was redirected to a normal fetish site. I cursed, tried to reload the page multiple times, but nothing changed.
When I hit up the guy who’d sent me the text file, I got no reply at all.
I’ve searched for this page for weeks now. Yet, no one I talked to has seen the page or even heard about it. It’s most likely one of those hidden, nomadic types that change their address or domain every couple weeks or even days.
I’d have given up long ago, written it off as another internet curiosity. Yet, I can’t stop thinking about it. There’s something about those bloated, sewn together legs and the puss leaking from them. God, I get hard thinking about it. I’ve been getting off to the memory of them so, so many times now, it’s unreal.
I wish I’d recorded it so I could see it one more time. Oh, I know, I’ve finally crossed the line with this new obsession. I guess it was inevitable to happen one day. To be honest, it’s quite liberating.
Even now I can’t stop thinking about ‘The Mermaid’. Yet, the more I think about her, the more another thought creeps into my mind. If I can’t find the page anymore and if I can’t see HER again, then I have to take things into my own hands.
All I need is a small basin, some wire, and a woman willing to take part in it. And if I shouldn’t find one willing to, then I guess, it’s not so bad that I already crossed the line.